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Dear Rebecca,
I just started dating a guy and we’re sleeping together. Since it’s only been two weeks, we’re not exclusive yet, but he’s already started sharing fantasies in bed. He’ll ask me “who do you want to watch me have sex with” and actually suggest a friend of mine who he’s met or a friend of his who I’ve met. Then he’ll fantasize about that woman while we’re having sex. I’m all for fantasizing, but isn’t this too soon? Is he bored of me already? Why do men do this?

Fantasy Queen, London

Dear Fantasy Queen,

While I can’t say for certain whether or not it’s too soon for fantasy sharing, I can say with great certainty that it’s too soon for him to get bored of you. Then again, this doesn’t seem to be about you at all – you appear to be no more than a conduit to him getting off on his fantasies, instead of someone he can enjoy for real. And that right there tells me that he’s afraid of real relationships and would rather live in a fantasy world where he gets to perform without glitches or consequences. Maybe he was exposed to bad relationships – his or his parents – so he wants to avoid them at all costs. Or maybe he envisions himself as a porn star who is able to have detached sex without emotional involvement, while others watch in awe of him. Either way, I’d run as far away from him as possible, because if a relationship is what you’re after, this fairy tale isn’t likely to have a happy ending. But even if you’re in it just for fun, watching him fantasize about others, especially those you know versus some nondescript people, seems more cruel than exciting to me – and I imagine it bugs you too or you wouldn’t be writing me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fantasies too (we all have them and can’t control them), but we can certainly control sharing them when they risk ruining intimacy – and that holds true for most men, so why not find one who digs you and is oblivious to the rest of the world, the way Mother Nature intended through that initial phase!

R.R.

Dear Rebecca,
My boyfriend has a serious foot fetish. I love that he loves my feet but I’m always self-conscious that they taste weird. What is it about my feet that drives my bunny wild in wanting to suck on my toes?

Toe-shy, Indiana

Dear Toe-shy,

First and foremost, let me say that you taste just fine to him, or he wouldn’t be doing it. In fact, I’ll bet that taste is part of what gets him going, because for a foot fetishist, points of attraction include the shape and size of feet and toes, high arches, odour, specific toe polish, toe rings, ankle bracelets, and any form of sensory interaction – licking, kissing, sucking, rubbing, tickling, sniffing or foot jobs. So exactly how common is this? Of all the people who show a preference for non-sexual objects or body parts, 47 per cent are foot fetishists, putting them at the very top of the list. Why? Some researchers believe that a foot fetish ties into a guy wanting a woman in a dominant posture during a sexual interaction; others feel that it could be hard-wired in childhood, like other fetishes, depending upon what was going on through that critical “imprinting” stage – watching sexy feet under the dining table for instance, while secretly trying to peak up skirts. That said, while I’m not sure where it got started for your “bunny,” the point is his innocent fetish was there long before you, so no harm in indulging some harmless fun!

R.R.

Dear Rebecca,

For as long as I can remember my husband has asked me to suck his right nipple (never left). He needs it to get hard, after which he simply gets on top of me and finishes. It’s rather boring and really feels like a chore because I’m not getting anything out of it. What’s the deal with the nipple? How can I say I don’t want to and still get him hard?

Suckling, Toronto

Dear Suckling,

What you’re describing isn’t uncommon. Nipple stimulation is directly linked to increased blood flow in the genitals in both men and women, which helps men become erect and women more relaxed and sensitive in their nether zones. In fact, some women become extremely aroused by it and may orgasm from that alone. Beyond that, all men have one nipple that’s more sensitive than the other – it’s the one that pops up and hardens faster than the other each and every time – your hubby’s right nipple being a case in point. But while that feels great for him, I don’t expect it to do any more for you than if his penis were to dance around, since neither is linked to your genitals, That said, when you stimulate him it should be about what he likes, not about what you like; just as when he stimulates you it should be about you, not him. And my hunch is that it’s the missing piece of the puzzle – your stimulation – that has you yawning as you complete your “chore.” So try and stifle that yawn long enough to ask him to stimulate you in ways that will rock your world, before he climbs on top of you and finishes. Hold his right nipple hostage if need be. For example, make it a ladies-first sport by demanding that he twiddle you before you twiddle him. And once you’ve both been twiddled in ways that each of you fancies, you can both finish, yawn and fall asleep in each other’s arms!

R.R.

Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date) is a nationally reowned certified relationship & sexuality expert. She hosts a popular weekly call-in television show, Sex @11. You can book a personal appoinment with her by visiting www.DrDate.com.

BY REBECCA ROSENBLAT / PUBLISHED IN THE HEALTH & WELLNESS ISSUE, JULY 2012