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Dear Rebecca, I have a feeling my boyfriend is going to propose to me. I think he’s THE ONE! What things should I know about him sexually before I say “yes”?
Between the Sheets

Dear Between the Sheets,
The word “safe” doesn’t always precede the word “sex” but since sex can represent life or death, we need to take responsibility for our own health and well being, not to mention the health and well-being of our future progeny. However, it’s no small feat. Whether you’re in the backseat of a car, slipping into your wedding night bed, or simply basking in the glow of romantic candlelight, putting on the brakes to have “the talk” hardly sounds romantic; then again, catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI) sounds even less romantic. Thus, like it or not, sooner or later you’ll have to have “the talk”—even though both Hollywood as well as Bollywood seem to skip that very crucial step, for the same reasons that you might be tempted to. But as far as I’m concerned, before the clothes come off, the conversation must be had—it’s not easy wrestling Mother Nature in all her naked glory.

So, exactly how do we broach the subject delicately enough so it doesn’t ruin the mood, yet strongly enough so it doesn’t ruin our life? Put bluntly, there’s no other way around it, outside of the direct approach, since ruining your life definitely trumps ruining the mood. So as you’re moving between the bases, and the groping is sneaking its way inside your clothes, it’s a good time to put on the brakes and say, “I can’t wait until we make love the whole way, so we should make sure that we take care of all the safety stuff ASAP, to green-light us for when we’re ready.” If your partner isn’t clear on what you’re suggesting, say, “We need to talk about both birth control as well as getting tested for STIs, to get a clean bill of health.” If your partner protests with, “I’m clean, I’ve always been careful, I have no symptoms of any sort,” suggest that since a lot of STIs are asymptomatic (have no symptoms), the respectful thing to do would be for both of you to get tested. Unless the individual has had no genital contact with another human being—yes, mouth to genitals counts, no matter what former president Bill Clinton said—they’re at a risk of catching various STIs, often without realizing it, and may thus pass them on. You can’t just take someone’s word for it.

If you say you don’t know them well enough to ask something so intimate of them, then more than ever, you need to make a point of seeing a clean bill of health. Besides, what are you doing being intimate with someone you don’t know intimately enough? I’d sooner you indulge in some ménage a moi than respond to the call of nature with an untested partner. Of course, if it’s a one-night stand, a latex condom is your best bet, sans the baby oil, or for that matter, any other kind of oily product, since it’ll deteriorate the condom. Once you can show each other your healthy report cards, with an explicit agreement around monogamy, and enough trust to uphold that agreement, you may go sans the barrier, provided you’ve taken care of birth control in other ways. Speaking of birth, untreated STIs can endanger your unborn child during vaginal delivery in numerous ways. For example, chlamydia can cause eye infections or pneumonia, gonorrhea can cause blindness, syphilis can cause blindness, stillbirth, or wet rashes, and so on. Not terribly romantic, is it? So before you get to that point of no return, whether you’re saving yourself for marriage or not, make sure you come prepared, or don’t come at all!

Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date) is a nationally renowned certified relationship & sexuality expert. She hosts a popular weekly call-in television show, Sex @11. You can book a personal appointment with her by visiting www.DrDate.com.

Sex stumped? Email her rebecca.rosenblat@anokhimagazine.com

BY: REBECCA ROSENBLAT / PUBLISHED: MAY 2010 ISSUE