Anokhi Fashion Lifestyle Entertaiment

Disclaimer: As we aim to provide enlightening and informative pieces for our worldly readers, we at ANOKHI believe that sex should be discussed openly and honestly. So if this leaves you a little flushed—trust us, it's working.

Dear Rebecca,
I’ve always struggled with a weight problem and rather plain looks. However, as sad as it made me feel, it was something I could deal with by avoiding certain situations. But that’s no longer the case, because I just got married and sex has become a huge issue. I’m absolutely mortified to let another human being see me naked, so I keep trying to make excuses not to have sex. And when we do, I want the lights out and the standard missionary position. And the faster the better, so he doesn’t get up close and personal with my naughty bits. He, on the other hand, wants to pleasure me orally, as he’s convinced I’m not into sex because there’s nothing in it for me. But I’d rather go through a lifetime of dissatisfaction than gross him out when he sees there’s nothing sexy about me. Please help!
Undercover, Toronto, ON

Dear Undercover,
Ouch, have you always been this mean to yourself? Sex is a primary mating instinct that draws us together in myriad ways, none of which have anything to do with a particular look. If anything, what draws us together is hardwired just about anywhere else—he scent we give off or the sound of our voice, the way we move or the signals we put out. Sexiness is not about the body you have, it’s about the attitude you have toward the body you got. Hence, it’s your attitude that has me most concerned. While I do understand that constantly hearing messages that tell us we need fixing can lead to a poor body image, being sexual and what the media portrays as sexy have nothing to do with each other. To get the most out of a sexual experience, messages between the brain and the genitals must be clearly sent and received. The number one obstructer of this flow is the insecurities we bring into bed with us, the ones that make us turn off the lights, avoid certain positions, spasm shut, or simply hide, so we don’t even get to the point of having sex— things that you can relate to. So let’s break you free from this myth that’s been haunting you forever.

I want you to start off by writing a letter to yourself, confessing all the ways the bully within has been mean to you—from self-deprecating remarks, to avoiding social situations, to keeping people at bay—followed by a sincere apology. Of all the relationships that affect us, the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Next, I want you to stop your internal negative dialogue by asking yourself some questions. What triggers my negative feelings and how can I stop them? Is it the airbrushed images that the appearance industry uses to make me feel bad about myself, so they can sell me a cure? Is it the humility that was drilled into me as a kid, when feeling beautiful implied egotism? Was it being taught to treat everyone else as better than myself? Whatever it is, once you recognize it, you can work past it—as long as you realize that looks are the weakest foundation for self-esteem, since they can and do change. I sincerely hope this process brings you closer to replacing your negative between-the-sheets attitude with the positive between-the-legs action that the hubby’s been offering you. Trust me, nothing will make you feel as good about your body as making your body feel good!
Cheers to uninhibited sex!
Rebecca

Sex stumped? Email her at rebecca.rosenblat@anokhimagazine.com

Rebecca Rosenblat (aka Dr. Date) is a nationally renowned certified relationship & sexuality expert. She hosts a popular weekly call-in television show, Sex @11. You can book a personal appointment with her by visiting www.DrDate.com.

**The above advice is intended to help and entertain you. Not knowing the individual details of your situation, neither Rebecca Rosenblat nor ANOKHI can assume any liability.