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Dear Dr. Vermani,
I met a guy who is the opposite of me in terms of his overall values and lifestyle. We have been casually dating. We both realize we don’t see us in a long-term relationship together, and so we have agreed to date other people. Since neither one of us has met a significant other, we continue to hang out, have good sex and enjoy each other’s company over dinners and movies. We have been together for almost a year now. I am struggling to figure out if this is healthy for me or not. Because we’re both single, I never saw any harm in hanging out with each other. I care about him, but I don’t love him, and he says the same about me. At times he teases about us being together, but then dismisses it. I question his true feelings for me. Leaving him feels awkward and staying with him perplexes me at times too. What are your thoughts on my emotional dilemma?
Sincerely,
Lois

Dear Lois,
Ahhh, this is a clear case of how things get confusing when we become intimate with someone. There is nothing wrong with having casual sex. However, the truth is that for many people, especially women, sex changes things. Even when we are engaging in casual sex, rapport builds and a comfort develops as you get to know the person better. I think you enjoy his companionship because you have not met someone who is better suited to you. My theory is that you were fine until he started teasing you about a relationship. Even if you are both single, you need to be honest with yourself. A relationship like this does cause some harm. Stop wasting time. Leave a relationship that doesn’t fulfill your needs and is not leading to your future vision of where you would like to be, and with whom you would like to be with. The time you spend with each other is taking away the time you could be spending searching for your true relationship match.
Dr. Vermani

Dear Dr. Vermani,
I love being in relationships! However, when I’m in a relationship I end up feeling like I’m losing myself in it and start feeling like I want out! I am a people pleaser and usually, I just go along with what my partner prefers and end up taking on a similar life to what they lead. Why do I get into such relationship patterns? I break one off and then I do it all over again! How do I begin to change my habits and get into a relationship I want to stay in?
Sincerely,
Tina

Dear Tina,
Reading your email reminded me of the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. In the film, Julia’s character, Maggie, gets into relationships, is proposed to and then runs away at the altar. She never commits! Ike (played by Richard Gere) confronts her and tells her she hasn’t found herself. With each relationship, she assumes the characteristics of her partner and takes on his life, but never truly knowing who she is causes her anxiety throughout each relationship. At the altar, her doubts make her run! Thanks to Ike’s insights, Maggie chooses to stay single for a while and learn who she is, without any outside influences. So Tina, the moral of the story is to work on more self-care: Have fun, sit in silence, think for yourself, make decisions, take charge and try new things outside of a relationship. Learn about you, so you can be your own individual and you can choose to do what your partner prefers, but you can also do what you like to do.
Dr. Vermani

Lost in love? Email her monica.vermani@anokhimagazine.com

Dr. Monica Vermani, is a Clinical Psychologist (Supervised Practice) at the Stress, Trauma, Anxiety, Rehabilitation, Treatment (S.T.A.R.T.) Clinic for Mood & Anxiety Disorders. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to treat depression, anxiety and abuse/traumas. Concurrently, she is a professor teaching at Humber College within the Forensic and Social Services Counselling Department and she also teaches at Lakehead University within the Psychology Department.