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Dear Dr. Vermani
I recently started seeing a woman I met online. Overall, things have been good between us. I do enjoy my evenings out with her. However, I’ve noticed she speaks a lot about her ex-boyfriend and how she’s been hurt by him. I have been understanding and kind enough to listen but I truly don’t care about her past relationship. I don’t understand why she doesn’t see it’s not right for her to talk about her ex with me. Is this a big deal or am I being insensitive?
-Joe

Dear Joe,
From the way you describe your situation, she doesn’t realize that she diverts the conversation to her ex or that she is speaking too much about her hurtful heartache from the past. This indicates she is still working out her past relationship and coming to terms with letting him go. Women tend to talk things out to process and get past them. She is treating you like a true friend and is being honest. You can either accept her behaviour and allow the time she spends with you to replace those past hurtful memories, or you can point out to her when she speaks of her ex and have her see that it’s inappropriate. It would be helpful to her if you challenge her on whether she is over her ex. After all, honesty is the best policy! There is no need to tippy-toe around this. She might be surprised but she will be able to reflect on how her behaviour shows that she might be preoccupied with her last relationship. Let her take responsibility and work this out for herself. Then see if she starts talking more about her present and future rather than her past.
Dr. Vermani

Dear Dr. Vermani,
I started seeing this guy I really adore but he never calls me. When we are together, we have a fantastic time. But then I wait for him to call and he never does. Only when I decide to text him does he make plans with me (over a series of text messages). We have a great time and then he vanishes again. This has become a pattern and when I ask him, he says he is really busy and it’s not a big deal because we still get to meet up. I’m upset by the fact he doesn’t call. Am I being too demanding?
-Syarah

Dear Syarah,
You are not overreacting. To me, these are warning signs that he may not be the best match for you. He is not showing the classic signs of interest when a couple have had a mutually enjoyable time together. You have communicated to him that you would like to be contacted by telephone rather than just text messages and he has not respected your request. You should rate a guy not only by the time you spend together in-person, but also on how well he treats you when you are apart Such as how he woos you over the phone, text messages and email. In the start of a relationship, impression management in all these areas is important. So if he is not coming across well in these other areas of communication, don’t make excuses for him such as deciding he is not a phone person. Make sure he is a person worth investing your time and energy into, because he may not reciprocate back the care you’d like. You deserve more so get back out there and meet the right match!
Dr. Vermani

Lost in love? Email her monica.vermani@anokhimagazine.com

BY: DR. MONICA VERMANI / PUBLISHED: FALL 2009