Tips on Dating, Love and Relationships
Dear Dr. Monica Vermani, My current partner recently proposed to me and I said YES! Yikes, I am getting married!!! Neither one of us entered this relationship thinking of marriage, but it feels right for us. I know we love each other, but we have not discussed many things in relation to a long-term life with one another. I’m wondering what we should be asking each other to facilitate discussions and see if we are compatible enough to live a successful married life?What should I be asking him to see if we are right for each other in the long term, and what are some questions I should be asking myself before I get married?
Sienna
Dear Sienna,
Congratulations! Firstly on your engagement and secondly on realizing that it takes more than feelings to make a marriage work. With today’s high divorce rate, it is crucial to explore various areas of compatibility pertaining to your future together. Opposites attract, however commonalities are what make people stay together! Here is a list of topics and questions you may want to discuss in order to reveal each other’s views, beliefs and values.
Questions to Ask Your Partner When Considering a Long-Term Commitment
Money How much money do we earn? Debts? Spending habits? Future financial goals? Budgets and how we will pay bills? Individual vs. joint accounts?
Intimacy Are you satisfied with the frequency and quality of our sex life? How will you deal with your partner not feeling like making love? Views on extramarital affairs. Sharing fantasies and any interest in using props or engaging in alternative lifestyles (e.g. open relationships).
Roles Who will be responsible for the various roles of cooking, cleaning, financial planning etc.? Overview of values pertaining to cleanliness, type of home you want to live in, hiring people to help with cleaning/child care. Number of hours you prefer to work, ambitions/goals, social planning and time to be spent together.
Family Children: Do you want them? When in life? How many? Values on staying home to take care of kids versus working and sending them to daycare, or providing them with nanny care? Thoughts on grandparent involvement? In-Laws: Your views on each other’s family members. Do you feel respected and liked by each other’s family? Frequency of visits? Your ideas on caring for ill parents, financially helping them out, and living arrangements if they aren’t capable of being independent?
Time Off How you each prefer to spend time off (resting, going out, sports, with friends, visiting family)? Your individual preferences on time off, activities/interests to pursue? Vacation spots and the number of vacations you prefer to go on? How you prefer to spend shared time together? Amount of alone time you prefer? Views on each other’s friends (like/dislike)?
Religion Are your views on spirituality common or different? How much time is spent devoted to religious practices? Do you respect each other’s views? How to raise kids in regards to religion?
Health What are your approaches to health care (exercise, nutrition, smoking, alcohol consumption, eating at home vs. dining out)? Importance of self-care practices, visiting doctors, dentists, managing weight practices.
Dr. Monica Vermani, is a Clinical Psychologist (Supervised Practice) at the Stress, Trauma, Anxiety, Rehabilitation, Treatment (S.T.A.R.T.) Clinic for Mood &Anxiety Disorders. She specializes in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to treat depression, anxiety and abuse/traumas. Concurrently, she is a professor teaching at Humber College within the Forensic and Social Services Counselling Department and she also teaches at Lakehead University within the Psychology Department. Lost in love? Email her
monica.vermani@anokhimagazine.com BY DR. MONICA VERMANI / PUBLISHED: MAY 2010 ISSUE
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