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“The only reason my husband and I fight is because of my in-laws,” says newly married Preeti (name has been changed). Before marriage, Preeti shared a strong relationship with her mother-in-law and would talk to her regularly on the phone. Now they are barely on speaking terms because of the shift in her mother-in-law’s behaviour after their wedding. “She says things to embarrass me in front of other people. She will repeatedly insult the way I dress or say I never invite her over to our place, which isn’t true,” complains Preeti. Her mother-in-law also gets upset if her son spends too much time at his in-laws’ (her parents’) place, especially on holidays. And if she doesn’t get her way, Preeti gets the inevitable cold shoulder.

Preeti is not alone in her frustrations. A study published in 2009 by Terri Apter, a U.K.-based psychologist, reveals that 75 percent of couples have problems with an in-law, and almost two-thirds of women experience long-term stress and unhappiness because of mother-in-law issues. While problems with in-laws are universal, the biggest difference for South Asians is the way they deal with elders, says Marzia Hassan, a therapist in Toronto whose expertise includes culturally sensitive couples counselling. She says we are taught to be respectful and not encouraged to speak our minds, which allows upsetting acts to continue and problems to remain unfixed.

The most common problems among South Asians are interference and criticism, says Hassan. “These problems are definitely compounded if people are financially dependent on the in-laws or live in a joint family system.” Cultural differences in values also pose challenges. “You tend not to see issues with people with similar upbringing. However, when you have in-laws who’ve been brought up in India and you’ve grown up in Britain, that’s when you see the issues,” says Shabina Cummins, a relationship therapist in London, England.

Fixing the issues before they get out of hand is crucial. Not only is a negative relationship unhealthy for the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, it can also be devastating for the couple. “I’ve got couples who’ve been close to divorcing because of mother-in-law issues. It becomes very unfortunate for the partner who’s in the middle,” Cummins says.

So how can women create a positive, healthy relationship with their mothers-inlaw? The first step is managing expectations, Cummins says, which could include cooking dinner for her once a week or phoning her with updates on her son’s life. “What is it that she wants? Often that generation won’t express that directly. So you have to push them and try to figure it out,” she explains. Women should try to build a relationship with their mothers-in-law like they would with a friend. They should call them, ask them questions, take them some mithai or go shopping with them. In addition, they should ask their opinions about things rather than waiting for them to interfere. This allows them to get on the same side, says Hassan. It’s also important for women to verbalize their appreciation for their mothers-in-law. “If she does something positive and you thank her for it, guaranteed that she will do more of it,” says Hassan.

Moreover, a daughter-in-law should keep in mind that her mother-in-law brought up her husband and made him who he is. For that reason, it’s hard for her to give up control, and it’s also hard for him to hear negative things about his mother from his wife, Cummins says.

If there are serious problems, however, talking to the husband or mother-in-law in a respectful manner may be required. When approaching the mother-in-law, Cummins suggests avoiding blame and focusing on feelings. “Say something like, “I feel like this when you do this,” or “I know you probably don’t intend to do this, but this is how I feel.”

However, she adds that unlike with western/non-South Asian couples, talking directly with a South Asian mother-in-law doesn’t always work. “You may get mothersin- law shutting down and reacting in a “What are you talking about?” kind of way. Or they will deny it. That’s not their way of communication.”

So how can a South Asian woman solve her mother-in-law dilemmas? Below are some common types of desi mothers-in-law and advice on how to deal with them.

The old-school one

Characteristics: This mother-in-law is uber-traditional — she’s conservative, loves to cook and lives to serve her family. She grew up in the Indian subcontinent and her values and mentality are very different than yours. As a result, she often disapproves of your lifestyle choices.

Solution: Show respect for her values, says Hassan, at least when you’re with her. “Just because you have different ways of doing things or thinking, you don’t have to flaunt it in her face,” says Hassan. If the issue is clothing, for example, you could compromise and dress more conservatively around her.

Of course, there may be some things that you don’t want to give way on. Pick your battles, and learn to accept you may not always get her approval. “It’s part of being a human being. Not everything you do will be liked. You do what you can and accept what you can’t,” says Cummins.

The baby lover

Characteristics: Now that her first-born is married and all her friends’ children are popping babies, she’s got baby fever. A year hasn’t even passed yet and she constantly asks when you will be in the “family way.”

Solution: Cummins suggests getting your partner to talk to her. If you have reasons for not wanting a baby right now — for example, you’re not financially ready or you’re busy with your careers — communicating that to her is key. Both of you should reassure her that kids (if that is part of your plan) will be in your future.

Another alternative is giving a stock answer. “Just smile politely and say, ‘God willing, soon,’” says Hassan. You don’t have to give anyone an answer, as ultimately it’s up to you and your husband when you want to start a family.

The nosy one

Characteristics: She always calls to ask what you’re doing, where you’ve been and where you’re going, what you’ve been cooking and other details about your lives.

Solution: “Decide on boundaries and what’s appropriate to share. What info does she need? What would she like? What info would you like to give? Find a compromise,” says Cummins. If you don’t want to share certain things, use avoidance strategies such as not answering the question, diverting the conversation or saying you have to go.

Hassan says to try asking her about herself. “People are usually nosey when they feel shut out. If you welcome her she’s less likely to be as nosy,” Hassan says.

The drama queen

Characteristics: This mother-in-law feels threatened by you and tries to create conflicts between you and your husband by making him choose between you.

Solution: It’s probably best to just stay away from a toxic mother-in-law like this one, but if you want to improve the relationship, talk about it with your husband and discuss how you can make her feel more secure, says Cummins.

Hassan disagrees. “Once you bring your spouse into it there’s divided loyalty and things will get more messy. The preferred route is to speak to her,” she says.

The clingy one

Characteristics: This mother-in-law wants to see you and your husband several times a week, leaving little time for dates with your hubby or any social life.

Solution: Everyone’s comfort level is different and you have to decide for yourself how often you’re willing to see her. If you feel you don’t have enough couple time, talk to your husband and work out a compromise, says Cummins.

Again, this mother-in-law is probably feeling left out. “If you welcome her and set up a system where you meet once a week for a family meal and make it a tradition, that helps,” says Hassan.

The catty one

Characteristics: It seems as if this mother-in-law’s mission in life is to make snide remarks about everything you do, whether it’s how you cleaned the house or the way you made your samosas.

Solution: This is often a balance of power issue. The key is to react in a way that diffuses the situation rather than making it worse. Hassan suggests trying different strategies, such as laughing it off or ignoring her comments and seeing what works. “People get into a pattern of relating to each other, and the only way the pattern will change is if one person changes their reaction,” she explains.

As a final tip, it’s a good idea to ask your husband how he handles his mother — after all, he’s been doing it all his life.

BY SANAM ISLAM / PUBLISHED IN THE 9TH ANNIVERSARY ISSUE JANUARY 2012